


Hangover ain't a strong enough word (It doesn't describe what just occurred)

by BadBatch (Forever_Cynical)



Series: Be Brave & Trust me [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Humour at times, Pre-Relationship, Romantic Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-11
Updated: 2020-07-11
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:27:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25206952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Forever_Cynical/pseuds/BadBatch
Summary: Narcissa is broken after the war. Lucius leaves hers. Draco leaves her. Soon she is alone with only alcohol and her house lef to keep her company. She hits the bottle hard. Luckily for her, she has a sister to pull her out of it and a suprising friend in Hermione Granger.
Relationships: Harry Potter/Ginny Weasley, Hermione Granger/Narcissa Black Malfoy, James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Lavender Brown/Ron Weasley, Lucius Malfoy/Original Female Character(s), Luna Lovegood/Draco Malfoy, Narcissa Black Malfoy/Lily Evans Potter, Pansy Parkinson/Padma Patil
Series: Be Brave & Trust me [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1826128
Comments: 1
Kudos: 77





	Hangover ain't a strong enough word (It doesn't describe what just occurred)

**Author's Note:**

> So this is probably one of the longest things I've written in one go. This work means a lot to me. It documents some of my own experiences with alcoholism and my fathers. 
> 
> Don't suffer alone. Even if you don't feel brave, find someone who can be brave for you, until you can.

Narcissa watches as Draco leaves the house through the floo. Belongings packed in the same trunk he for Hogwarts. He couldn’t bare to stay the in the manor any longer. Couldn’t bare the memories it brought the forefront of his mind. Couldn’t take the nightmares anymore.

She understood how he felt.

Her sister had tortured people in this manor. The walls contained the screams of many. The last words of a few. She tried to soften their pain. Tried to sneak food, tried to heal wounds. She trained as a healer before Lucius. Never had the opportunity to practice. She was expected to stay at the home. Expected to be the perfect wife.

And she had been for the while.

When she dreams, she dreams of death. She dreams of Voldemort holding her son close. Of Bellatrix’s death. Seeing the body of her niece on the floor. She rarely dreams about her own torture. Her own suffering.

Her back aches in the cold. She finds her hands seize up in the rain. Sectumsempa. Snape’s spell. Voldemort had learnt it. Demanded to learn it. Narcissa had been practice for him, when Lucius had failed. When Draco was too weak. He never let her back heal enough for the wounds not to scar. If he was bored of the blood staining her clothing, he moved onto Crucio. Her nerves were never the same.

Neither was she.

Bella’s blade against her neck. She remembers the press of the cold metal. Bella’s shaking hands, her nervous breaths in her ear. The Dark Lord staring at them, his eyes cold and intense. He’d make her sister cut into her neck. Make her believe she was going to kill her blood for her own failure. The glamour hid the scar but she could never hide from her memories.

Her son is gone. He was gone because she failed him. She failed to protect him. She thought she was doing the right thing. Have Voldemort close to her, provide him a home, a base of operations. He would never question their loyalty. She could keep him safe if she was able to stay close too. Lucius could keep him safe. Lucius. His own fear of the Dark Lord had clouded his judgement but he had tried. He just hadn’t been strong enough.

He was no longer her knight in dark a suit. They had both changed after the war. He had been forced into community service by the ministry. He found himself working to help people financially recover from the war. He worked in an office, with multiple other death eaters, forced to put their wealth to use for good.

After Draco leaves, she finds herself wandering the halls of the manor. She walks past the portraits of Lucius’s family and feels their eyes on her. She never felt like she was good enough for him. She wasn’t brilliant and intriguing like Bellatrix. Nor was she warm and kind like Andromeda. She was Narcissa Black, the ice queen, the statue, good at disappearing and even better at lying. What was it that her mother called her?

A true Viper. A real snake.

Ours pass and she doesn’t notice that she’s drained a bottle of very expensive wine. She has cried over Draco’s baby pictures, watching her happiness and his first steps in moving photograph. It all seems so very far away now. He’s owled her. He’s with Harry at Grimmauld place. He needs time. Time away from her. He mentions working on trying to forgive her but she can’t read the rest. Teas blue her vision and the alcohol doesn’t help.

She goes to bed alone and wakes alone. She sees Lucius at breakfast. He’s been so distant lately but he looks so well. She wonders if time away from her makes people well. Makes them happy. She doesn’t know when he stopped lovingly kissing her forehead or when their conversation became stale.

He sits down across from her and his eyes meet hers before they move all over her face. His expression is sad. She can tell he doesn’t recognise her anymore. Her hair is still impeccable, her dress new from France. Make up perfect but her eyes, her eyes are sunken, lifeless, no matter how fresh she tries to make her breath, the alcohol lingers. 

They eat in silence. She eats fruit in some sort of Greek yoghurt that honestly tastes vile. She’d rather have a fry up. But why change the habit of a life time? He leaves soon after he is done. Places one hand on her shoulder and squeezes as he leaves. Her eyes move to the chair where Draco would sit. A sob wrenches out of her throat and her nails dig into her palms.

She’s losing control.

Five years have passed since the war and she finds she is still as haunted by it as the day it ended. The day she lied to the Dark Lord. The day she prevented her family from going to Azkaban. She helped win the war for the side she was fighting against. She was a traitor among her former friends and she wasn’t trusted by those who thought for the order. She thought she had Lucius and Draco. She thought nothing mattered as long as she had them.

But what she didn’t know was that eventually she would lose them too.

She walks through the halls and curses everyone who has ever wronged her. Her parents. Her sisters. Death eaters. The Dark Lord. Everyone. Everyone who led her to this very moment where she stood in what used to be her sanctuary, now a prison.

She did everything right.

She married the boy with the soft blue eyes and long blonde hair. She had the perfect child. A boy to follow in his father’s footsteps. She stopped looking at women. Stopped admiring, soft bodies and pouting lips and she concentrated on the man she loved.

_Lily_

No, she wouldn’t do this. She wouldn’t think of her. Not now. She couldn’t. She was already so broken inside. Beautiful green eyes, red hair, soft smile, soft hands, soft lips.. no she wouldn’t. She wouldn’t think of this.

So, she drank instead.

She fell asleep in a cold bed, with a bottle of expensive gin beside her, empty. She was saving it for Draco’s wedding. She doubted she would get to see that now. She doubted he would ever want to see her again.

It takes twos weeks for Lucius to admit he’s having an affair.

Her name is Anastacia Woodrow. She works with him in the office. A wife of a former snatcher. She’s what he needs right now. She understands him. He her. They both made mistakes. They were both weak when they needed to be strong. He couldn’t be strong for Narcissa, but he could be for himself and the most loving thing he could do right now, was to leave. He wouldn’t let her settle for less anymore, less than her worth and he wouldn’t settle for less either.

They were both different people now.

She drinks so much that she throws up all over herself, all over her Egyptian cotton sheets. It worries her house elf Gilly so much that she owls for Andromeda. Andromeda is there in seconds, to everyone’s surprise. Narcissa can’t really see her but she smells like her. Smells like Chanel perfume and freshly made bread. Andromeda picks her up, cleans her up and sends her to bed. She lays with Narcissa in her arms. Kissing her head and holding her close.

Narcissa sobs.

In the morning they pack up her belongings and she moves into Andromeda’s home. She’s still there when Anastacia and Lucius arrive. He looks so happy now. She wishes she could be mad that he found someone else but, she didn’t even realise they were this broken. He deserves more. She seems, gentle, understanding and more emotional than Narcissa ever could be.

Teddy clings to her. He calls her Auntie and she can’t help but melt around him. She tries to appear strong behind him. His eyes look over her with worry and occasionally he will change his face to appear duck like to make her laugh. Andromeda tells her that he reminds her so much of Nymphadora. The guilt swells up inside of her.

She could have saved her. She could have begged Bellatrix to spare her life. She was sure her older sister would have listened. She could have thrown herself in front of the harsh spells. She could of begged Tonks and Lupin to go into hiding. Lupin may have listened to her. He may have noticed how afraid she was, maybe he could smell it on her.

They were friends once.

Back at Hogwarts. She and Remus had a truce. They would meet in the library on Wednesday afternoons and they would read together. They enjoyed debating. Narcissa with her habit of always wanting to be right and Remus with his boyish charm and floppy hair. He’s who introduced her to Lily.

_Lily._

She won’t let herself think of her. She was so close. If things had only been different. Maybe she would have stood with the order. Maybe she wouldn’t have married Lucius. Maybe she and Molly Weasley would meet every Sunday and knit together. She scoffs. So close to being on the other side.

Then Andromeda left.

With a flimsy bit of paper apologising. Then she was angry. Angry at the world. Angry at having to conform. Angry that Andy got to be the one who couldn’t. Her parents hold grew harder and she couldn’t get around undetected like she had before. No matter how good of snake she was.

Then James Potter shoved her over when she was walking with Severus.

He obviously meant to push him but Severus managed to move out of the way. Her books scattered across the floor and Bellatrix was nowhere to be seen. She heard his laughter. She looked up and found Remus staring down at her. She begged him. Begged him with her eyes to stand up for her, to help her pick up her belongings but he said nothing.

She never returned to a library on a Wednesday.

She never got to tell him how much those Wednesdays meant to her. Maybe if he had survived, she would of. Maybe if she had just let go of her grudges. Maybe more people would be alive. Maybe her family wouldn’t be so shattered.

Maybe Teddy wouldn’t be an orphan.

What good was her maybes though?

She begs Andromeda to let her move out. Begs her to let her live in their cottage in Godric’s Hollow. Black Cottage had stood wasting away for far too long. This comes after an owl from Harry letting her know that Draco is alright but if Draco wanted her to know this, he would of owled himself. She doesn’t owl him back. She doesn’t do anything but get drunk. She then tell’s Andromeda she’s leaving.

_I won’t let you drink yourself to death._

She doesn’t leave.

She just gets better at hiding her descent. She finds a charm to stop the alcohol clinging to her skin. She finds a glamour to hide the bottles in her room. She lies to Andromeda every Friday. She tells her she’s going to a meeting to help with her drinking. To help with her grief. Her guilt.

She goes to the muggle pubs in London instead.

Four months pass before she notices. She spends evenings in with Andromeda in front of the muggle television. They watch shows that Andromeda says are called soaps. A stupid name if you ask her. They’re watching Eastenders when the owl arrives with the papers for Narcissa. One signature and her marriage is dissolved. Lucius is free to marry Anastacia. Make her the new Lady Malfoy.

She goes by Mistress Black now.

Gilly follows her to Andromeda’s. Andromeda tries to pretend she’s not grateful for the extra help but Narcissa knows she is. She leaves earlier than expected one Friday night to explore muggle London. Andromeda had been going on about how she and the girls from work were going out in Soho at some point. 

She stumbles into She Soho. It looks modern inside and the lights draw her in. She’s surprised to find the bar is for women and women only. It only clicks a while later on her third drink when she watches two women in an embrace, what type of bar this is. She had heard Bellatrix mention it before. Back when they were teenagers. She had talked about muggles that would go to pubs or bars and go home with members of the same sex. She was fascinated.

It was only when she found Alecto Carrow between Bellatrix’s thighs that she realised why she was so fascinated.

This secret between Bellatrix and Narcissa brought them closer. She wondered sometimes if Andromeda had found it so easy to leave them. If they had somehow put up a divide between them and their other sister. She would have to ask her one day.

She never did tell Bella who the girl was, that made Narcissa smile so wildly. Well. She lied. She told her it was Elena Volture that she was mooning over. She was reminded of her lie every time Pansy Parkinson entered her manor, with Draco on her arm. The girl liked every bit like her mother Elena. Elena was beautiful and smart and she had such a dark sense of humour, that never failed to amuse Narcissa.

But she wasn’t Lily.

She at the bar and began to drink these memories away. She couldn’t believe Andromeda had talked her into wearing muggle clothes. Dark denim jeans and an emerald silk green shirt. Andromeda had wanted to help her assimilate into her new life. She found the clothing comfortable though she would never admit it. It was her hair though. Her hair is what drew in her company. Always asking about the colours.

She dyed the brown into her hair to remember her Black Routes. To remember a time when she and her sisters were together. Them against the world.

She was at first unsure what to do hen the first woman approached her. She’s was a pretty brunette with pouting pink lips and piercing green eyes. Her dress is sort and black and it appears that she’s at least ten years younger than her. She’s astonished that this woman would be attracted to her.

But she is and who is Narcissa to deny her?

They fuck in a dark alleyway nearby the club. It’s the most in control Narcissa has felt in a while. It becomes a regular Friday evening for her. Occasionally she goes home with them, but she always leaves them in the morning.

If Andromeda notices or hears her come in, in the early hours of the morning, she doesn’t say anything. Ignorance is bliss.

It continues for months. Eventually a year has passed with no word from Draco that doesn’t come from Harry. She occasionally gets owls from Lucius and they have built up a friendship. Just because they were no longer in love didn’t mean they didn’t love each other. She forgave him for hurting her. He forgave her for her wrongs. He often tried to get her to meet him, for a walk, for coffee, for chess. She declines.

He doesn’t need to see how truly broken she has become.

Then after hearing nothing from Draco for 1 year, 1 month, 3 days and 7 hours, an owl comes.

He apologizes for being an arse. He misses her, he knows she did what she could to try and protect him and that she had tried to save him from taking the Dark Mark. He wishes he could see her so they could talk. Asks her to owl him with a time and a date and he will be there to talk to her. He didn’t realise she had been tortured.

Andromeda had told him.

She wonders if he expected her to cry from happiness? Did he expect her to rejoice to Merlin?

All she feels is anger.

She’s forgotten for over a year apart from owls from Harry who keeps her in the loop. Not because Draco wants him too but because he feels she deserves to know how her son is doing. That he’s alive and well and working with the ministry. Now her beloved son expects her to just open up her heart to him again and forgive him?

She wants too.

But she doesn’t deserve forgiveness.

And that is when Narcissa hits rock bottom.

She finds herself at the bar. Jak the bartender in front of her, with her floppy short blonde hair and many facial piercings, pouring her a new cocktail. It tastes perfect. She can barely taste the alcohol. It tastes like mango. So, she drinks and drinks and drinks.

Soon the room is spinning and her vision is blurry.

She turned away anyone that came up to her and asked to buy her a drink. Anyone that asked her if she was here alone. She doesn’t want to fuck to forget, she wants to drink to forget. Jak keeps pouring her drinks. She keeps drinking them. Then, it hits her. She grows hot, her head spins, Jak’s pointing at the bathroom and wincing.

She’s going to be sick.

She stumbles through the club and pushes people out of her way as she rushes to the bathroom. She’s soon bent over with her head in the white porcelain bowl. She retches until her stomach is somewhat empty and wipes her mouth on her black shirt. Once again, finding herself in muggle clothes.

Fucking Andromeda, who did she think she is?

What gave her the right to tell Draco?

She gets up and bangs into the toilet door as she leaves. She tells it to fuck off and walks out of the bathroom. She knows she’s not walking in a straight line by how many people she bumps into. It’s hard to see with the alcohol clouding her vision. Its time for her to go. Jak won’t serve her anymore. She stumbles again and falls into someone’s lap on one of the many sofa’s dotted around the bar.

She moves quickly to get out of the woman’s lap. Embarrassment overwhelms her. She feels the woman moving to help her up. She stands and stumbles again before looking down at the woman to apologise. Their eyes met. Her jaw dropped. She would know those brown eyes anywhere. She’d watched them fill with pain as her sister relentlessly tortured her.

Hermione fucking Granger.

Narcissa stared for a moment before doing the most reasonable thing she could think of.

She ran.

She pushed through the crowds of people in the club. Panic was filling her entire being. She was shaking. Her heat was beating out of her chest. Hermione was friends with Harry, no doubt Draco by now. She’d tell him. He’d tell Lucius. Andromeda would find out. Fuck. Fuck. She had been so stupid. So stupid, to be believe she could get away with this.

She makes it out of the club and runs into an allway. She can’t remember if it’s the alleyway she fucked Suzie in. Was her name Suzie? Maybe it was Sharon. No, Sammy. She can’t fucking remember. She leans against the cold brick wall and tries to slow her breathing. Everything is spinning.

Suddenly, she’s wretching again.

She throws up what was left of the dinner Andromeda had made her on the paved stone of the alleyway. She wretches hard enough that she stumbles forward, slipping in her vomit. She falls to the floor and feels the jeans she had gotten from Andromeda rip like the skin of her hands as she falls. She hears herself shriek as pain fills her body. She’s snapped her wrist.

She lays on the cold stone floor, sobbing, covered in blood and vomit.

She was a disgrace. She didn’t deserve to carry the black name.

She felt a hand on her back and then her hair was being moved out of her face. Kind brown eyes, stared at her in concern.

Hermione.

She helps Narcissa to her feet and looks around the alley. She whispers an apology to the older woman before they’re suddenly apparating away. Her stomach lurches again and she’s glad when she realises Hermione has apparated them into her bathroom.

She’s violently sick again as she holds her wrist.

Hermione sighs and holds her hair back with one hand as her other rubs Narcissa’s back softly. Soon she is being helped into her spare room. She watches in fascination as Hermione helps her get undressed and tucks her into the bed. Hermione’s wand moves over Narcissa’s wrist and without even saying a spell, her wrist is fixed.

She leaves with a soft goodnight and Narcissa watches as the door shuts.

She lets out the loud sobs she had been holding in, unaware of Hermione leaning against the door, face stricken.

She awoke the net morning with a banging headache. Her stomach gurgles unhappily and she groans as she sat up. Her eyes moved around the bedroom.

She wasn’t at Andromeda’s.

Panic swelled in her chest as she remembered the night before. Hermione. She was at Hermione’s. Fuck. She looked at the table to her left and she saw a small hangover potion and a glass of water.

She supped the water and drank the hangover potion like she would have done if it was a shot. It tasted foul but the pain in her head and nausea, soon eased. She grabbed her wand off the side. Waving it and muttering she cleansed herself and changed her clothes. Muggle jeans that were not ripped and crisp white shirt.

She threw her hair up in a sensible ponytail.

She walked out of the room to apologise. She would apologise to Hermione and beg her not to tell Draco. She would then find a club on the other side of London to frequent and everyone would once again believe she is fine.

That’s when she entered the living space and found Andromeda sat at Hermione’s dining table, sipping tea with the younger woman.

Fucking Gryffindors.

Andromeda looks up at her as she hears Narcissa enter the room. The disappointment and sadness on her face make Narcissa feel like a girl again. She half expected Bella to walk in behind her and begin to scold her. Grief filled her heart.

Andromeda stares at her before leaning over and pushing the chair between her and Hermione out. The younger woman looks at her and swallows. She hasn’t seen Hermione in a long time. Her hair no longer out of control, it sits straight, just touching her shoulders. Black glasses perched on the end of her nose, she’s 24 now. She still seems to be insisting on wearing ill fitted pink sweaters. Hopefully Draco would get her to invest in more fashionable clothing in time.

She sits on the chair and doesn’t say anything. She’s been here before. Whenever Andromeda and Bellatrix were furious with her, they would make her wait until they had said their piece. They would not let it turn into an argument. She would wait for Andromeda or Hermione to start this.

“You’ve been lying to me, Narcissa.” She sips her tea out of a china mug with otters on and soon she finds Hermione waving her hand and one appears in front of her.

Wandless Magic. Hermione Granger was bloody brilliant indeed.

“You’ve been lying to me for more than a year.” Andromeda’s voice cracks. “You’ve been putting yourself in danger, you clearly have an issue with alcohol and maybe you have a death wish, the question is are you going to accept our help or are you going to force my hand?”

Narcissa goes to speak but Andromeda puts her hand up to stop her. She isn’t done yet.

“Cissa, let us help you.” Andromeda swallows, clearly trying to hold back tears. “I won’t watch you slowly kill yourself; I won’t watch you drink yourself to death and I won’t allow Teddy to continue to be attached to someone that clearly cannot be bothered to live for him or for themselves.”

Narcissa’s cold facade breaks at the mention of Teddy. She wonders where he is now. Maybe Harry was babysitting him. She had spent many nights curled up on the sofa, stroking that young boy’s hair as they watched his favourite muggle television shows. She had been trying to teach him healing magic. She always waited until he went to bed to drink.

“I..” Narcissa wiped furiously at her eyes. “I don’t know how to ask for help, Andy.” She breaks down in front of her older sister. Sobs wrench themselves free from her throat and she loses control. She finds herself hyperventilating not long after and Hermione has kicked her chair behind her. She’s wrapping her arms around Narcissa and holding her close.

“Pressure is known to calm people down.” She explains to a shocked Andromeda. “Hug her, Andromeda for merlin’s sake.”

Andromeda hugs her on the other side and soon Narcissa finds herself calming. She cried it all. Cried for the end of her marriage. She cried for the lost of her strength. Cried for Draco. She cried until no more tears would come.

Oh, how the mighty had fallen.

She sniffled and moved, breaking the hug. Narcissa closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

“Apologies.” She cleared her throat. “It appears I’d been neglecting a cry like that.”

She finds herself wrapped in Andromeda’s arms again.

“Oh Cissy.” Her older sister whispers softly against her hair. “Its okay not to be alright and its okay to need people, you can lean on me, I’m your sister.”

“How can you bare to be around me when I killed Nymphadora and Remus.”

Andromeda pulled herself away, her face pinched tight and guarded. Hermione gasped and lurched forward grabbing Andromeda’ hand, trying to keep the woman grounded.

“Cissy, I was told it was Bella…Bellatrix who killed them.” Her voice broke. It still amazed Narcissa that their older sister had been able to kill Nymphadora. She was their niece.

“She did.” Hermione said cautiously, staring at the two witches like they were about to duel at any second. “I was there.”

“I did though.” Narcissa argued. “I could of prevented it, I could of done so much more, I could have found her, convinced her to get somewhere safe.”

“Narcissa.” Andromeda sighed sadly. “You didn’t kill my daughter, nor Remus, nor my Ted, they all knew what being in the order meant and what it meant to be related to someone in the order.”

Hermione’s hand had moved from Andromeda’s to Narcissa’s. Hermione’s skin was soft. She could smell the woman’s lotion. Pumpkin and vanilla. The rest of Hermione smell like fallen leaves and bluebells. It calmed her.

“We all could have done more but Nymphadora was her own person and nothing could stop her from fighting for what she believed in and I am so proud of her, so proud.” Andromeda’s eyes filled with tears. “Teddy will be too, of both of his parents.”

“I wish I could have known her. “Narcissa replied smiling. “I wish I could have been stronger, if I could have gotten over myself and my misery and accepted Remus’s offer of friendship.”

Andromeda’s eyes widen. She’d never known about this. Narcissa can’t help but smile coyly as her sister stares at her in disbelief.

She can still feel Hermione’s hand on hers but she doesn’t let herself think about that now or what it could mean.

“Remus Lupin?” Andromeda asks. “Remus Lupin, wanted to be your friend, Marauder Lupin, werewolf Lupin?”

“We met on Wednesdays in the library, we read books, he was smart and made me laugh and I loved our debates, we learnt a lot from each other.”

“It sounds like you were already friends.” Hermione added and she felt the young witches’ fingers move across hers. She didn’t know why she couldn’t seem to pull her hand away.

“Maybe we were but I ruined it.” The blonde shrugged. “I suppose we were always going to let each other down; we were both so different and both afraid.” 

“What happened?” Hermione questioned, always so curious was the lion, always wanting to know more. Narcissa turned to face her and arched her eyebrow. She watched as the younger girl blushed and went to remove her hand.

So Narcissa grabbed it and squeezed, smiling at her.

“James Potter.” She smirked as Hermione winced. “I was walking through the hallway, my books in my hands, he found it quite amusing to trip me, I felt to the floor and I looked up and found Remus staring at me, I lifted my hand for him to help me and he walked away with James, Sirius and the rat boy.” Narcissa rolled her eyes. “He tried to apologise to me when I didn’t turn up to our usual Wednesday meet but, things had changed by then.”

“Like what, did Bella find out and threaten to skin them all?” Andromeda asked as she drained the rest of her tea.

“You left.” Narcissa’s answer was so quiet that she wasn’t sure if Andromeda has heard her. She looked up and the mournful expression on Andromeda’s face made her heart clench. “I was so angry and sad, you’d left, Remus had left me down, I had to listen to our parents rip into you, Bellatrix was so bloody mean and then I’d gone and fallen in love with a muggleborn, just like you.”

“You..” Andromeda’s aw dropped. Her mind raced, thinking of all the boy in Narcissa’s year or hers that she could have fallen in love with. “It wasn’t Dirk Cresswell was it, I remember he was pretty cute but he doesn’t seem like your type?”

Narcissa smiled at her sister. She could feel Hermione rubbing soothing circles with her thumb across her palm. The young witch must have sensed what was coming. She sensed Narcissa would be, how did Jak put it? Coming out.

“Lily Evans.” Narcissa said softly, staring down at the cold tea in the otter decorated mug.

You could have heard a pin drop. Andromeda’s eyes scanned over her and Hermione was looking at her like she had three heads. “Snape may have loved her from a far, James may have loved and died with her but for a few months, I was able to call her mine.” Narcissa willed herself not to cry. “Breaking her heart is one of my deepest regrets.”

“Lilly, Harry’s mum, Lily?” Hermione squeaked, Narcissa turned to face her. “I’m sorry I just…”

“Can’t imagine she could have loved before James Potter?” Narcissa grinned as Hermione nodded. “She had the most beautiful eyes, she was so kind, always so calm but by Merlin, she had such a temper.” Narcissa remembered their first fight, Lily had stormed into the Slytherin dorms, doors slamming behind her as she raged at Narcissa for something or other.

She would give anything to see those eyes again, even if they were looking at James with a love she once held for her.

“She tried so hard to save me from my family, from the future she knew awaited me but I was unwilling, I’d seen Andromeda’s face burnt off the wall, heard the venomous words spat out by our parents.” She paused. “Remus couldn’t stick up for me, Andromeda was no longer around for level headed advice, rumour had it that Lucius was going to ask me out, I went for the easy choice.” Her voice broke. “She came to me, begging me to forgive Remus, begging me to brave like you and leave, she said she would find a way for both of us to finish our NEWTS, we could make this work, if only I could be brave, if only I could be brave and choose her.”

Hermione squeezed her hand tightly.

“I wasn’t brave, I left her stood in that fucking library, I left her with a useless sorry and I didn’t even look her in the eyes, I didn’t even tell her how much she meant to me, I just apologised and left, like a coward.” Narcissa seethed at her own actions. “I never spoke to her again, I watched her fall in love with James, I fell in love with Lucius but I never forgot her, never forgot our love, the rest is history.”

Lily would die, James would die and Harry would be come the boy that lived.

“Oh Narcissa.” Andromeda moved her hand to her to her younger sister’s shoulder and squeezes. “I wish I had known, I wish I could have helped you, I’m not sorry I left but I’m sorry I didn’t realise how big of impact it would have, I underestimated a lot it seemed.”

“It’s alright, I don’t blame you.” Narcissa shrugged. “I know everything I did lead us to here now, I may not be able to see the good right now, but I know its there.”

“It is.” Hermione squeezed her hand again. “It’s there and I’m sure we will help you see it in no time.”

Just as Narcissa was going to ask why Hermione was even helping her, Andromeda speaks.

“So, I suppose we should talk about the fact that you just came out to me and Hermione doesn’t seem surprised about the fact that you fell in love with a woman.” Andromeda watches as both women stare at each other for a moment.

“Miss Granger appears to have neglected to tell you were she found me it seems.” Narcissa chuckles as Hermione shrugs at her and grins.

“Didn’t seem my place, not my secret to tell and I’m quite good at keeping secrets.” Hermione looks smug and Narcissa rolls her eyes. “I thought purebloods had manners, rolling your eyes is considered very rude.”

“You’re very brave Miss Granger, very brave.” Narcissa teased, before continuing. “She found me in She Soho, it’s a bar for women who are looking for the company of other women.”

“How long have you known, I mean, before Lily or?” Andromeda asks. Curious if Narcissa had known when she was still living at Black manor. She wouldn’t have known. Narcissa had never even hinted or even had a gaze that lingered too long at another woman.

“Always.” Narcissa bit her lip. “Even before I watched that firey red head waltz up to me, threatening to hex me for hexing Severus’s tie to change colours for annoying me.” She smirked. “The only people that knew where Remus, Lily, Alecto and Bella, not even Lucius knew.”

Andromeda’s face fell. Narcissa knew she was hurt. Narcissa waited for Andromeda to continue. She wasn’t sure if Bella knowing had hurt her or maybe Alecto.

“Alecto bloody Carrow knew and I didn’t?” She narrowed her eyes. “Tell me you didn’t, Bella I understand you telling her, but tell me you didn’t bed that Carrow, she seems far too… vicious for you.”

“Merlin Andromeda, of course I didn’t bed Alecto!” Narcissa burst out laughing. “Bellatrix however, she did bed her, quite frequently and up until her death, I believe.”

“Bellatrix was a lesbian?!” Andromeda yelled. “Merlin, am I the only Black sister who doesn’t sip from the fury cup?”

The tea in Hermione’s mouth sprayed across the table as she began to howl with laughter. Narcissa joined in as Hermione snorted whilst trying to catch her breath. It had been so long since Narcissa had laughed so this. So freely. Andromeda began to laugh alongside them.

“Bellatrix was a lesbian yes, her love for Voldemort was that of worshipping an idol and Rod was our parent’s choice for her, I do believe she loved Alecto.” The blonde remembered walking in on Alecto holding Bella after she broke out of Azkaban, the woman whispering to Bellatrix how much she loved her. “I suppose I would be bisexual, I loved Lucius once, I loved Lily, yes, I preferred my sex life with Lily but, Lucius was very good in bed too.”

Andromeda and Hermione both gagged.

“I will remind you both that Lucius and I are still friends, no matter the hurt we have both caused each other, we share a son.” Narcissa narrowed her eyes as they both muttered apologises.

“Speaking of sons.” Hermione cleared her throat as both witches looked at her. “You haven’t replied to Draco’s owl.”

“Draco sent you an owl?” Andromeda’s brow furrowed. “Why would you not answer, you haven’t spoken to him in…”

“1 year, 1 month, 4 days and 4 hours.” Narcissa answers without even looking at her watch. “That is how long since I spoke to my son, it has been longer since I’ve seen him.”

The coldness in Narcissa’s voice gives both her sister and Hermione pause. They hadn’t expected that. Both had seen Narcissa around Draco. Both had heard stories of the woman’s love. She had lied to Voldemort to protect him. She had taken torture for him. Draco had found out. He had shared it with Hermione. Andromeda had been the one who had told him.

They knew there was no extent to her love for her son.

“You’re not ready to speak to him yet.” Hermione stated as Narcissa nodded. “Would you mind if I spoke to him on your behalf, he’s never concerned and well, he’s getting on my nerves with all his whining, quite honestly I’m not sure how you put with him.”

To both Hermione and Andromeda’s surprise, Narcissa laughs at the jibe against her son. Hermione says things so matter of factually that Narcissa can’t help it. She’s so honest and it is so very refreshing to not be around someone who is afraid to hurt her feelings or make her feel.

She has so missed feeling something other than heartbreak.

“Yes, he can be very whiny.” Narcissa smiled. “You can tell my son I am fine, you can tell him I’m not ready to speak to him yet, I need to sort myself out but please refrain from telling him you found me in a lesbian club, drunk out my mind, followed me into an alleyway where I broke my wrist and threw up on myself.”

“You remember then?” Hermione grimaced, remembering the events from last night.

“I do very much remember, though maybe you could fill me in on why you were in a club like that when last thing I heard Molly Weasley was knitting baby grows for your eventually 12 children with Ronald Weasley?” Narcissa tried to hide her disdain but couldn’t. She watched as Hermione rolled her eyes at her and Andromeda hit her lightly, tutting at her.

“Ronald and I haven’t been together for around 3 years, we rushed into a relationship neither of us were ready for and both of us wanted different things.” The young woman shrugged. “Nothing exciting, I still see him and Lavender at Harry and Ginny’s.”

“I understand.” The blonde nodded. “Lucius and I, we changed after the war, we both wanted different things and I couldn’t be the woman he needed, Anastacia seems lovely though, she makes him happy.”

“You’re amazing to have taken the affair this well.” Hermione chuckled. “I’m pretty sure I would have burnt down the manor.”

“It was tempting.” Narcissa said dryly. “But Andromeda helped me get through it and Lucius remains my best friend, even if I’ve spent the last year lying to him about how I am.”

“Yes, I suppose you got to enjoy other aspects of your life too.” Hermione smirked as Narcissa winked at her. Andromeda however looked horrified.

“You’ve been going out on Fridays to hook up with women haven’t you.” Andromeda gasped as Narcissa tried to look coy. “You bloody harlot, how many notches do you have on your bloody bed post now, you’ve been fingering half of London I bet.”

“Andromeda!” Narcissa blushed hiding her face in her hands. “That is terribly bloody crude, please refrain from saying that ever again.”

“Andy, please stop, you’re killing me.” Hermione wheezed through her laughter at the woman.

“Unbelievable.” Andromeda muttered. “Muggles I bet too, unbelievable, you go from Pureblood wife, to devouring every muggle woman you see in a bloody muggle club.”

“Stop.” Hermione wheezed again. “I can’t cope.”

“Can we go back to talking about my alcoholism and death wish please, I think I preferred that.” Narcissa huffed, folding her arms like a child. “I do not wish to be made fun of further.”

“Oh Cissa.” Andromeda enveloped her in a hug. “I love you.”

Narcissa let herself sink into her older sister’s arms. She could hear Bella in her head, could see her stood in the corner scoffing at the affection shown. She knew if she had been here, eventually she would have joined the hug. Narcissa realised she truly hadn’t let herself mourn for her sister. For who she was when she wasn’t obsessed with Voldemort.

She wondered if Alecto mourned her sister whilst in Azkaban.

“I love you too.” Narcissa said as she leaned out of the hug. “I suppose we should be out of your hair, Miss Granger.” She moved to stand up and was surprised when Andromeda pulled her back down and wouldn’t look her in the eyes. “Andy?”

“You’ll be staying here.” Hermione said next to her, there was clearly no room for argument in her voice. “Recovering from being dependent on alcohol isn’t easy and you don’t want Teddy to know somethings wrong, you’ll be staying with me and Andromeda and Teddy will visit here.”

“Oh and how do you know how hard it is to recover from alcohol dependence, Miss Granger?” Narcissa’s voice was cold and spiteful. “Did the Weasley boy drive you to drink?”

“For Merlin’s sake Narcissa.” Andromeda hissed, as she watched the hurt flash in Hermione’s eyes. “We’re trying to help you, you ungrateful git.”

“No Narcissa.” Hermione shook her head. “I don’t have an issue with alcohol, I simply don’t drink but I got to help my mother try and put my father back together again, after I have them their memories back, after I explained everything he took it all quite badly, saw it was a betrayal.” Hermione wiped furiously at her eyes, trying to prevent the tears from falling. “It was the first time I had realised that my parents were afraid of the power I had over them, I helped him recover and we are fixing our relationship but it is hard, so very hard.”

The blonde looked at the young Gryffindor. Six years. Six years since they had fought on opposite sides of the war. She would be what, 24 now? She had already been through so much. Narcissa knew her son hadn’t made life easy for Hermione, she and Lucius hadn’t either.

She’d stood by and watched Bella torture Hermione.

“Hermione.” She murmured. “At Malfoy Manor, with Bellatrix, I stood there and watched as she tortured you, how can you even want to have me around you.”

Hermione’s eyes darkened. She clenched her fists and looked at Narcissa Black. Narcissa with so much sadness and regret etched on every part of her face. Her back she knew to be covered with scars. The woman who’d stood there and watched as she withered across the floor in pain, shouting and screaming as that spell set every nerve on fire in tremendous pain.

“Its hard.” She said carefully. “But I believe in forgiveness and I can see your regret, it wasn’t easy for any of us during the war but I can’t imagine it was easy to be in fear for yourself, your husband and your son and have a murdering psychopath inside your house.” She sniffed. “I know you were tortured too, with that curse, I know you know my pain and if you feel regret for that, then you’re worth my help, you may apologise and I will work to forgive you.”

Narcissa Black sat still, staring at Hermione Granger who was playing with the black frames of her glasses as they sat on her nose. She was waiting for her to answer. She wondered what she should do. Should she apologise, knowing that Hermione may not even choose to believe her to be sincere or should she go the way she normally would. Cold acknowledgment.

No. She would change.

Moving carefully, she wrapped the younger woman in a hug and held her close for a moment, afraid briefly that Hermione would shove her away and hex her out the door. Hermione moved her arms around her and soon they sat together, hugging.

She could feel Andromeda staring at her.

“Thank you for being so kind.” Narcissa whispered into the girl’s ear. “I am so sorry for what I did, for what my part was during the war, I was a foolish coward and I will accept your help and prove I’m worth the issues.”

Hermione moved back and away from the blonde, a smile on her face. She too ignored Andromeda’s curious stare.

“I have no doubt that you are worth my time and all the issues you cause, now, shall we set up some rules?” Hermione smirked as Narcissa groaned.

_2 nights later_

She was sweating.

Her head was aching and all she wanted a was a gin and tonic. Fuck. She wasn’t sure if she could do this. It had only been two days. She felt at her wits end, already.

Why was she such a fucking coward?

She clung the bed sheets as she withered, panting. She couldn’t do this. She wasn’t worth saving. Draco was so much happier without her; she just knew it. Lucius had never needed her apparently. Everything they had built had crumbled and lead him into the arms of someone else.

She couldn’t do this.

 _Hermione_. She called out. _Hermione_.

She hadn’t used Legilimency in a long time. She pushed at the woman’s mental shields.

Groaning, she gave up. She tried to hard not to lean on the girl. She had been working from home since Narcissa had arrived. She assured her that the ministry were fine with her working from home, in fact happy she wasn’t spending so much time in the office. Only once a week did she go in to have meetings and discuss her work load.

She hadn’t yet left Narcissa alone to do this.

She was so weak.

She heard the bedroom door open and she clung tighter to the sheets. They were soaked with her sweat. She closed her eyes. How could she bee this weak?

Hermione moved the soaked sheets off her and blushed at the thing lacy nightdress that the older woman was wearing. With a wave of her hand, Narcissa watched as a wet cloth appeared in her hand. She slowly dragged across the woman’s damp forehead.

“Its going to be alright, Narcissa.” Hermione practically hummed. “You’re going to be alright.”

Narcissa’s eyes welled up with tears. She clenched her eyes shut, willing the tears not to spill across her pale cheeks.

“You’ll get through this Narcissa Black, you have so much left to do and so much more to give.”

She wasn’t brave for Lily. But she would try to be brave for Hermione. For Andromeda.

For herself.


End file.
